Chapter 18

“SO BASICALLY, Mai-tan got so drunk she had to tap out before midnight, and after saying goodbye to her in front of the station, Hanao was still raring to go, so she roped us into going to karaoke with her. We drank some more and listened to Hanao sing some Nakajima Miyuki songs—even did a duet at one point with Taiga-san, since he likes her too, but that’s neither here nor there.

“Anyway, eventually Hanao pressured Hibiki into taking the mic, and he seemed just fine singing like everybody else. Then after about two hours or so, we left the karaoke joint and went to flag down some taxis so we could go our separate ways. And he seemed just fine when we said goodbye too, so I figured maybe I should just let his weird behavior at the sports bar go for now. But then after I made it home, I got curious again and sent him a LINE message to ask how he was doing, but he never responded. Never even opened it, actually—still says unread to this day.”

“I see.”

My first time seeing Chizuru after the wedding was about two weeks later, when I came to her place to get an idea of how much luggage I’d need to transport for her in advance. She was scheduled to move about a month after the ceremony, and while she was hiring movers and junk removal services to handle most of her belongings, having to juggle cleaning her unit with work meant that it was just more convenient for her to stay at her old place for a few days after most of the stuff got moved and make due with just the bare essentials. Once that process was over, I’d agreed to help drive her few remaining belongings over to the new place by car, including her precious guitar.

It was my first time being inside, and I actually found it to be a pretty nice space, with just the right amount of sunlight streaming into the living area. After saying our brief hellos and idly chatted, I decided to bring up Hibiki’s behavior that day, in hopes that maybe she’d have a better idea of what had gotten into him than I did.

She proceeded to tell me everything about her secret plan at the reception, and gave a few speculative guesses as to why he might have reacted that way.

“Chizuru, what the hell…” I muttered.

I couldn’t help but voice my disapproval. It just slipped out.

As far as I could remember, I’d never been completely opposed to one of her little schemes thus far, but this one I simply couldn’t condone. Not that it mattered now, since it was two weeks too late to change her mind.

Granted, we couldn’t say for sure what effect it might have had on him, assuming it even worked. But was there really a need to dredge back up emotions he’d worked so hard to swallow, in a way she could never take back?

“I’m not gonna make excuses for myself,” she said, folding her arms as she maintained steady eye contact with me. In my peripheral vision, I could see the glimmer of the new ring on her left ring finger. “But if you want an explanation, it’s because I just couldn’t bear the idea of leaving things the way they were forever.”

If she’d given me that usual defiant, childish look of hers and acted like there was no point in crying over spilled milk, or if she said she’d already resolved herself to take responsibility no matter what the repercussions were, I probably would’ve blown up at her. Instead, I just let out a heavy sigh, then tried to bury my feelings of disapproval.

“Well, I can’t imagine he’s so hurt that he’s decided to hole up inside himself and become a hermit or whatever,” I said, “but it does mildly concern me that I can’t get in touch with him.”

“Yeah, I’ll try sending him a message too,” said Chizuru. “It’s about time we scheduled another gaming sesh anyway.”

She was right, actually—I’d been so focused on the wedding and her move that I hadn’t even been thinking about that.

“Thanks for your help, Karin,” she said. “Especially right before a business trip.”

After completing my main objective of verifying how much stuff I’d need to help her move, we promised to let each other know if we heard from Hibiki. Then I left. As she’d said, I was about to hop on a bullet train over to Kansai that afternoon.

I thought about stopping somewhere for lunch, but I almost never came out to Chizuru’s neck of the woods, so I unfortunately didn’t know any good places around here. So I decided I’d hold off and just buy a boxed lunch at the station.

The bullet train station was packed with tourists and sight­seers like always; I had to squeeze my way through the crowd in order to buy my ticket. Then, I grabbed myself a cod saikyoyaki bento box and passed through the gate.

The train itself was pretty crammed too, but I’d managed to secure a reserved window seat for myself, so once I sat down, all was well. I put my overnight bag with a single change of clothes up in the luggage area. I also had a paper bag containing a manuscript for a new novel we were publishing in a few months, which I hung on the seatback hook. With my black coffee and bento box as my only traveling companions, I set off toward my destination.

As I watched the same scenery as always rush past the window, I popped open my lunch, which was just as tasty as ever.

It was kind of funny, thinking back, how much I used to dream of a life like this when I was still a student: a job that allowed me to travel often, so it didn’t feel like I was stuck in the same place every day, and being able to afford bentos that cost more than ten dollars without sweating the price. But the more I got a taste of that life, the more it lost that shiny appeal it had to me in my youth. Still, I couldn’t complain: Having a stable place to come home to while getting to go savor all sorts of places and flavors I never could have imagined was a pretty sweet gig.

Once I was done eating, I put my empty bento box away and laid out the printed manuscript on my tray table. I needed to prep so I’d be able to speak on this novel with passion as we moved forward with the release. And yet, from the very first line, no matter how many times I reread it, the words just wouldn’t sink in. And I knew exactly why.

I just couldn’t stop thinking about Hibiki and Chizuru.

Though perhaps it would be more accurate to say I couldn’t stop thinking of all of us, including myself, as someone who’d been there watching throughout their entire friendship. It felt like the intrusive thoughts were not just swirling through my head, but coursing through every vein and blood vessel in my entire body.

Was this not my own fault, in a way?

Unlike Mai-tan or Hanao, I’d never thought about trying to push them into getting together back in college, or made any attempts to set them up. I just kind of casually assumed it would happen eventually. Probably not even because I thought they were a perfect match, or suspected they had feelings for each other, but because I just selfishly wanted to entrust them with being the central pillar that would hold this friend group together for many years to come. Only now that I was in my thirties did I realize just how egotistical that was to think.

And now, I had a new regret I’d probably never tell anyone about for my entire life.

I know I’d said the “right” thing to Chizuru by suggesting that, no matter what timeline we were on, things probably would’ve turned out the same. But in truth, I’d been giving a lot of thought these past several months to all of the branching points there had surely been that could have made this play out at least somewhat differently.

That day when Hibiki hopped aboard the bullet train to go visit Chizuru up north, I was actually supposed to be sitting beside him, originally. But then I caught a cold from somewhere and came down with a nasty fever, so I had to sit that one out. Even though I almost never got fevers; I hadn’t had a single one in the five or six years since.

If I hadn’t caught that cold, or just forced myself to go along with him on that trip regardless, there was a good chance Hibiki might have never developed the same feelings for Chizuru, and we could’ve both helped her out with this move together, as her friends.

Obviously, I knew these things weren’t mistakes or missteps on my part.

I just hadn’t learned how to let go of regrets like this, even when I knew they were meaningless to dwell on. And I probably never would, honestly.

One thing I had learned, though, in my adulthood, was how to pretend like I’d moved on from something, while still carrying those woes and worries deep down.

God, just hurry the hell up and get in touch with us for my sake, man, I grumbled internally as I straightened my posture to do what needed to be done. Like Chizuru said at the reception, the here and now was what mattered most; it was best to stay focused on the road ahead. I had work to do, and business partners I’d need to get fired up about this project in just a few hours. I really needed to stop letting my personal life affect work.

In order to make the best use of my time until arrival, I pulled my phone out of my chest pocket and checked my to-do list one more time. While I was at it, I opened up LINE to check my conversation with Hibiki—and my eyes widened.

I wasn’t sure if this was good timing or bad, but there’d been a subtle change.

The message I’d sent him before was now labeled read.

And as I was staring at that word in disbelief, a reply came as well:

Sorry, I need some time alone.

Followed by another one.

I just don’t know what I am anymore.

That dumbass. Had he just replied a little bit earlier, I wouldn’t have had to bring it up with Chizuru and make her worry about it. But despite that mild frustration, I was genuinely relieved to hear from him.

As long as he was alive, that was all that mattered.

I knew he had his own way of dealing with these sorts of things, and his own way of bouncing back. Whether he was pissed off at us right now, or wallowing in regret, I didn’t really care so long as he was working through it. I sent him a quick response to let him know I’d read it, gave my two cents, and put my phone away.

Unfortunately, I still sucked at playing it cool and staying aloof.

There was one more thing I knew I should probably tell him, just in case. I wrote up a simple summary that just contained the bare-bones facts, and sent it off to let him know. The message label immediately switched to read, but there was no reply.

I wondered where this very uncharacteristic behavior of Hibiki’s would lead us.

At least for the time being, it seemed like there was still room for a reunion.

I let Chizuru know he’d read my message, then went back to my manuscript.